Please Hear What I’m Not Saying –

“Don’t be fooled by me. Do not be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I’m afraid to take off and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled; for God’s sake don’t be fooled. I gave the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within, as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the waters are calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one.

But don’t believe me, please. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever0varying mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hid this; I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated façade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is simply my salvation. And I know it. That is if it is. If it’s followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. It’s the only thing that can liberate me, from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that is painstakingly erect. It’s the only thing that will assure myself of what I can’t assure myself, that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to; I’m sooo afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance – love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me; that you’ll laugh and you laugh will KILL me.

I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good, and that you see this and REJECT me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a façade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me. So, when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I’m saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear that “I’m not saying”, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival, I need to say, but what I can’t say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly, I dislike the superficial game I’m playing, the superficial phony game. I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous and ME, but you’ve got to help me.”